My biblestudy leader tonight asked us; what things in your life are you tempted to love more than Jesus? And it forced me to confront this niggling fear that I have; that I am far too attached to my comfort. There's a part of my heart that yearns to live a life that's not too offensive; that's defined by striving for conformity and social security; you know? I don't want to live too 'radically' because then I might feel awkward and uncomfortable; so I'll go to school, get a job, retire. Don't put a toe out of line. Live life by default.
But I'm becoming increasingly frustrated by it. I just don't if I can justify living like that! I want to live life as a radical for Jesus! For ages now; I've been toying with this idea to just drop out of school and become a missionary somewhere or do something crazy and radical after I finish; but the tiny voice from my heart feels totally overpowering as it says to stay where I am; keep my cool. Keep my comfort. Keep up the default life. Don't do anything too rash. But maybe, in some ways my heart is whispering rightly, maybe I shouldn't drop out of school, maybe I need to learn to use my mission field right now; where I'm at. Learn to do the things I would want to do as a missionary on the playground and in the classroom. So maybe I need to live a 'radical' life now; wholly devoted to Him who redeemed me; rather then waiting for my indecision to clear up (and therefore never actually make any sort of decision.)
Father; teach me to be a radical.
