My biblestudy leader tonight asked us; what things in your life are you tempted to love more than Jesus? And it forced me to confront this niggling fear that I have; that I am far too attached to my comfort. There's a part of my heart that yearns to live a life that's not too offensive; that's defined by striving for conformity and social security; you know? I don't want to live too 'radically' because then I might feel awkward and uncomfortable; so I'll go to school, get a job, retire. Don't put a toe out of line. Live life by default.
But I'm becoming increasingly frustrated by it. I just don't if I can justify living like that! I want to live life as a radical for Jesus! For ages now; I've been toying with this idea to just drop out of school and become a missionary somewhere or do something crazy and radical after I finish; but the tiny voice from my heart feels totally overpowering as it says to stay where I am; keep my cool. Keep my comfort. Keep up the default life. Don't do anything too rash. But maybe, in some ways my heart is whispering rightly, maybe I shouldn't drop out of school, maybe I need to learn to use my mission field right now; where I'm at. Learn to do the things I would want to do as a missionary on the playground and in the classroom. So maybe I need to live a 'radical' life now; wholly devoted to Him who redeemed me; rather then waiting for my indecision to clear up (and therefore never actually make any sort of decision.)
Father; teach me to be a radical.
Friday, October 26
Friday, June 22
Things I've been learning
Sometimes, its ok to just say 'I have no idea!' But this barely happens. When I'm asked a question that I don't know or haven't decided the answer to yet, I just feel obliged to fill the air with my random answers that I've just drawn from nowhere to express a view I probably don't have or an idea I never came up with me. The result is generally just me being ridiculously embarrassed.
I'm stupid. And I say stupid things, and I do stupid stuff that I know I shouldn't. I'm stupid. I realise this all the time. I often feel totally debilitated by my own foolishness, and that makes me feel worthless. Totally worthless, as though my entire worth hinges on how well I speak.
Now, that sounds stupid, but, frustratingly, my self-worth is often founded on other people's opinion's of me, and the majority of their opinion is based on how I speak, how I articulate my thoughts, and generally my thoughts don't come out in an eloquent stream but rather more like ... vomit into their brains. So, how well I speak kind of affects my self worth.
I'm foolish, I'm flawed and I'm generally too proud to admit that, but there's a verse that I love in Paul's 2nd recorded letter to the Corinthian church that shows that because I'm weak, and for some reason God shows mercy and grace (unmerited favour) to me, that God doesn't base his love on who performs the best, or presents their thoughts most articulately or whatever, but that it's just that. Grace! God, choosing me for no merit that I have, no 'great thing' I've achieved.
'But he said to me, "My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness." Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ’s power may rest on me.' - 2 Corinthians 12:9
I'm stupid. And I say stupid things, and I do stupid stuff that I know I shouldn't. I'm stupid. I realise this all the time. I often feel totally debilitated by my own foolishness, and that makes me feel worthless. Totally worthless, as though my entire worth hinges on how well I speak.
Now, that sounds stupid, but, frustratingly, my self-worth is often founded on other people's opinion's of me, and the majority of their opinion is based on how I speak, how I articulate my thoughts, and generally my thoughts don't come out in an eloquent stream but rather more like ... vomit into their brains. So, how well I speak kind of affects my self worth.
I'm foolish, I'm flawed and I'm generally too proud to admit that, but there's a verse that I love in Paul's 2nd recorded letter to the Corinthian church that shows that because I'm weak, and for some reason God shows mercy and grace (unmerited favour) to me, that God doesn't base his love on who performs the best, or presents their thoughts most articulately or whatever, but that it's just that. Grace! God, choosing me for no merit that I have, no 'great thing' I've achieved.
'But he said to me, "My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness." Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ’s power may rest on me.' - 2 Corinthians 12:9
Sunday, February 26
Sunday, January 8
Steel and Fire
I just came back from the most amazing week away leading on a holiday program with a bunch of amazing people, but often with Christian camps you get back and you have this fiery passion thats great, but then after the camp high you kind of slowly fizzle out, and you lose the 'camp high' and you start missing camp like crazy, and you organise reunions but its never quite the same until next year when you do it all again.
But this time, I was the leader, I was a respected authority and an appreciated equal. This made a massive difference in the way I related to people and the way that people related to me, and so I got into some amazing discussions about how the world was created, who Jesus actually died for and all that jazz, and I've walked away not with a fiery passion that'll soon be doused but with a determined steel that'll hopefully last longer.
It's also happened with a few other things, my resolution to help end slavery has gone from a newly impassioned excitement to help out to a steely resolve to end it.
This is quite irrelevant.
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